I tried to reason with my Uncle Ed
But he had this idea stuck in his head
He was going to burn his house down
Collect the insurance and skip town
Nothing I could say or do would change his mind
Usually he was happy and generous and kind
I asked him where he got the idea
He said he got it at Ikea
It was impossible for me to make the connection
So we drove to Ikea to check out the furniture selection
I instantly saw what the problem was
There were candles everywhere–below and above
The candles weren’t lit, but I could follow uncle Ed’s reason
Burn the house down during the Christmas or Thanksgiving season
When the decorations are up and on fire
Knock a bunch over, faking uncontrollable ire
To no avail, I tried to reason with Uncle Ed a little bit more
So, I called the police and they came to the door
Uncle Ed had a lighter burning in each hand
I yelled “Uncle Ed, drop the lighters, I know you can!”
He dropped the lighters, but then he pulled a Coleman butane lighter-wand out of his belt
I couldn’t imagine how Uncle Ed felt!
The police pulled their weapons and aimed them at Uncle Ed
After a loud warning they shot him dead
Ed’s wife (Aunt Edna) seemed relieved by Ed’s bizarre demise
Her appetite’s fine, she goes shopping, and she never cries
With Ed’ life insurance she decorated the house from the Ikea catalogue
And bought a new car and a big poodle dog