I tried to reason with my Uncle Ed

But he had this idea stuck in his head

He was going to burn his house down

Collect the insurance and skip town

Nothing I could say or do would change his mind

Usually he was happy and generous and kind

I asked him where he got the idea

He said he got it at Ikea

It was impossible for me to make the connection

So we drove to Ikea to check out the furniture selection

I instantly saw what the problem was

There were candles everywhere–below and above

The candles weren’t lit, but I could follow uncle Ed’s reason

Burn the house down during the Christmas or Thanksgiving season

When the decorations are up and on fire

Knock a bunch over, faking uncontrollable ire

To no avail, I tried to reason with Uncle Ed a little bit more

So, I called the police and they came to the door

Uncle Ed had a lighter burning in each hand

I yelled “Uncle Ed, drop the lighters, I know you can!”

He dropped the lighters, but then he pulled a Coleman butane lighter-wand out of his belt

I couldn’t imagine how Uncle Ed felt!

The police pulled their weapons and aimed them at Uncle Ed

After a loud warning they shot him dead

Ed’s wife (Aunt Edna) seemed relieved by Ed’s bizarre demise

Her appetite’s fine, she goes shopping, and she never cries

With Ed’ life insurance she decorated the house from the Ikea catalogue

And bought a new car and a big poodle dog