There wasn’t any reason to be standing there

Even though there was no reason I didn’t care

Well, there was a reason but it was deep inside my head

Way down in there where everything is red

It was hard to find it in the throbbing goo

But I looked and pondered and a thought came through

“I’m Garrison Keillor and I’m talking to you

I lost my job and I don’t know what to do.”

I said “Get another job on the internet somewhere

And find out how much your fans really care.”

That’s when a FedEx truck nearly ran me over

I would be dead right now but I dove for cover

I landed on a road-killed deer

Its eyes were glazed over: its soul wasn’t here

I realized then without a doubt

What my life was going to be about

I would buy a pair of bright white sneakers

And become one of those famous motivational speakers:

“People! Listen to the voices babbling in your head

Respect all road kills even though they’re dead

And if you happen to find yourself standing there with no reason

Jump into life’s ditch regardless of the season”

I will be touring bus stations and homeless shelters from New York to Maine

Telling my life-changing story, inspiring my listeners, and spreading my fame

Keep your eye on Craig’s List for where I’ll be next

If you want to be inspired, send me a text

But please, no naked selfies or creepy photos of you

Or your hamster, or your cat, or your blurry tattoo