There wasn’t any reason to be standing there
Even though there was no reason I didn’t care
Well, there was a reason but it was deep inside my head
Way down in there where everything is red
It was hard to find it in the throbbing goo
But I looked and pondered and a thought came through
“I’m Garrison Keillor and I’m talking to you
I lost my job and I don’t know what to do.”
I said “Get another job on the internet somewhere
And find out how much your fans really care.”
That’s when a FedEx truck nearly ran me over
I would be dead right now but I dove for cover
I landed on a road-killed deer
Its eyes were glazed over: its soul wasn’t here
I realized then without a doubt
What my life was going to be about
I would buy a pair of bright white sneakers
And become one of those famous motivational speakers:
“People! Listen to the voices babbling in your head
Respect all road kills even though they’re dead
And if you happen to find yourself standing there with no reason
Jump into life’s ditch regardless of the season”
I will be touring bus stations and homeless shelters from New York to Maine
Telling my life-changing story, inspiring my listeners, and spreading my fame
Keep your eye on Craig’s List for where I’ll be next
If you want to be inspired, send me a text
But please, no naked selfies or creepy photos of you
Or your hamster, or your cat, or your blurry tattoo