Ass

I froze my ass off and it fell to the ground

making a hollow baked ham sound

I called 911 and they thought I was making a joke

I said, “I’m telling the truth, it fell and it almost broke.”

Soon I heard sirens coming my way

The ambulance driver said it was his fifth fallen ass of the day

They wrapped my ass in a silver space blanket

They were very careful not to further damage it

When we got to the hospital it was starting to thaw

When they pulled it out of the blanket their faces said “awe.”

My ass had developed a mouth and lips

and out of each cheek it was sprouting fingertips

All of a sudden two eyeballs appeared above my crack

And my ass said, “Please put me back.”

“I’ll keep you covered from behind.”

“It’s 24-7 but I don’t mind.”

“All you need to do is keep your pants down to the top of your crack

And your shirt tail rolled up to the middle of your back.”

I could see right away I was looking at permanent plumber’s butt

But, if my ass was going to watch my back there was no shortcut

It’s been a few months and, believe it or not, I get along quite well with my ass in the aftermath

When we talk about freezing him off, I look over my shoulder and we both have a good laugh

The only problem is that his laughter sounds and smells like a fart

But it’s a small price to pay to have him there in the rear doing his part